Portal: First Christmas
by iammemyself
Summary: Christmas is coming! Oh noes!
1. Chapter 1

Portal: First Christmas

Indiana

**Characters: GLaDOS, Chell, Wheatley**

**Synopsis: Christmas is coming! Oh noes!**

Chell just did not know what to get GLaDOS for Christmas.

It would be their first Christmas together, so Chell _had_ to make sure it was something _special _and _amazing_! She knew that GLaDOS thought Christmas was silly, so Chell had to try very hard to convince her that it was worth celebrating. She had already gotten her to have a snowball fight, and drink hot chocolate in front of a roaring fireplace which she had also made GLaDOS build, and wear a nasty Christmas sweater so Chell could laugh at her but secretly think about how cute she looked when she was embarrassed. But while she was thinking this, Chell realised she needed to conveniently remember how she had gotten to this point in her life and began without delay:

When the door of the shed had slammed closed behind her and the Companion Cube, Chell had not known what to do. All she could think about was how she could not stop thinking about the fact that she was constantly thinking about GLaDOS. GLaDOS had called her a fat orphaned monstrous abandoned worthless brain-damaged dangerous mute lunatic, and had tried to mash her and gas her and squish her and melt her and vapourise her, but the very, _very_ worst thing she had done was… stolen Chell's heart.

Yes, Chell said to herself, burying her tears into the sooty remnants of the last reminder of all that mattered to her in the entire world, she was in love with GLaDOS. And surely GLaDOS must love her back, right? She had saved Chell's life! That was more than enough to make up for all the things she had done, which Chell was now thinking she was silly for ever having been angry about. She would do _anything_ to have GLaDOS beside her, insulting her and abusing her once more! Chell would give up all this freedom, this blue sky and this real air and this true, unadulterated sunlight, all for the chance to test forever for GLaDOS again.

Chell stayed there for a very long time. She didn't care that the sun was burning her vitamin D-deprived skin, or that the Cube was very, very dirty, or that she had been sitting in the same position for who knew how long. All she cared about was that GLaDOS came for her and showed Chell that she didn't really have to leave.

Chell didn't know how much time had passed because she had cried herself to sleep over her heartbreaking loss, but when she woke she immediately knew someone was standing behind her. For some reason their shadow lay over top of her, regardless of the fact that the sun was in the wrong position in the sky, and her heart leapt into her throat as she froze. She had never been afraid through any one of GLaDOS's tests but now, sitting outside of a nigh-impenetrable laboratory under the surveillance of an omnipotent, omniscient supercomputer, leaning on what was undoubtedly a very heavy piece of equipment perfect for tactical manoeuvres, she feared for her life.

"I suppose you're just as deaf as you are mute, lunatic? I said I wanted you _gone_, not moping on my doorstep."

Chell opened her eyes and stared at the soot on the Cube, hardly daring hope – the voice, it was undoubtedly her voice, but… but how…

Chell slowly turned around, more for dramatic effect than because she wanted to delay looking at GLaDOS, and what she saw made her heart skip two beats, because one beat was too cliché:

Behind her was a super realer-than-realistic hyper hyper realistic android – or that was what Chell thought it must be, because no one had told her this yet and it would be silly to just _assume_ it was an android – and not only was it dazzlingly realistic, it was perfect. She was perfectly tall, with the perfect weight while also having an ample behind, with a bust size larger than Chell's even though such organs would be totally purposeless and stupid on an android because it would be unable to bear children. She had pure white hair cut in a perfect chin-length bob, even though a bob is very hard to keep out of one's face when one is attempting to do science, and she had a perfect little smirk on her pale, pale face as she regarded Chell with glowing golden eyes beneath perfectly slanted eyebrows. She was clad in a skintight (chassis tight?) pure white suit, black gloves encapsulating her perfectly long and slender fingers as she balanced perfectly upon knee-length black boots with six inch heels. She was, of course, the very manifestation of the term 'drop-dead gorgeous', and Chell thought she was about to drop dead because the dazzling beauty of this android was such that she was forgetting to do everything from breathing to stopping the drool from dropping out of her mouth.

"You look so surprised," the android said, with a toss of her perfect bob that seemed to hang in midair so that she moved in slow motion, enabling Chell to ogle over every perfect individual hair. Chell, still unable to talk, managed to just barely point a finger at her seeing as the sight was so beautiful she was pretty much paralysed.

"Oh, this?" GLaDOS said very casually, shifting herself smoothly to put more weight on her left foot, placing her right hand on her now very attention-grabbing right hip and making a shrugging gesture with her other hand. "Oh, it's just something I had lying around. You know. In case I ever needed to fit in with the humans on some mission that requires me to learn several life lessons that, in the end, teach me that being a robot is silly and I must be a human in order to have any worth or to feel good about myself. Though you can't see it because having anything other than perfectly sculpted feminine muscles would be unacceptable, I am also extremely strong and extremely realistic. And when I say _extremely_," GLaDOS said, raising her perfect eyebrows so that they disappeared into her perfectly cut bangs, "I mean _extremely_ realistic. But only in desirable ways. If you catch my drift." She finished that off with a scandalous wink and Chell nearly fainted right then and there. GLaDOS bent over, at a perfect ninety degree angle that violated all the laws of physics, and placed her long fingers under Chell's slack jaw. "Yes," she murmured seductively, her black lips far too close to Chell's face merely because they were not close enough. "I've noticed you. Watching me. In between that time I was killing you and you were killing me and then I was killing you again and then you were killing me and then I was a potato, I've seen many things in your eyes. Things you tried to hide from me, but I noticed because of course I know everything about how relationships work and everything about attraction even though I've lived by myself in a lab and had no contact with anyone meaningful in my entire life. Come. We have much to discuss."

**Author's note**

**This is a parody of clichés in fanfic and not meant to be taken seriously.**


	2. Chapter 2

It was a dark and stormy night.

…because GLaDOS had invented a lovely weather machine for plot convenience. Even though neither of them were anywhere near the surface and were unable to hear the crack of lightning or see the flashes of thunder, it was a convenient excuse for GLaDOS and Chell to sit on GLaDOS's beautiful black leather couch and cuddle up under a giant fluffy blanket and pretend they were watching Christmas movies while actually giggling wildly and fooling around under said blanket. It would be just plain silly to actually_ watch_ a movie when Chell had a splendid super super hyperrealistic realer than real android to… do things with.

When the movie was over they didn't notice, because they were too busy throwing popcorn and pillows and whatever else was lying within their reach, giggling madly all the while. While Chell became breathless and sweaty, GLaDOS showed no ill effects at all; in fact, she gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, 'I don't sweat, I _glow_.' When Chell asked after this, amazed, GLaDOS merely laughed coquettishly and said, "Oh, it's only an indicator of how much I enjoy myself with you. Don't pay it any mind."

To which Chell blushed furiously like the innocent little lady she was, and GLaDOS again laughed and suggested they take it to the bedroom, like they did every day, and Chell happily complied. Because there was nothing quite like banging the hell out of an extremely anatomically correct android whose every sound just about made her climax instantly.

The next morning Chell watched GLaDOS slide smoothly out of bed, smoother than silk, even, and admired teh android booty while trying very hard to keep her hands someplace reasonable. GLaDOS would then put on her very, very useless panties and bra, which she adorably did not seem to grasp were actually used for hygienic and support purposes respectively, though Chell had her doubts that any one of GLaDOS's pieces of lingerie would actually serve either of those purposes on any other person in the world. But what did it _matter_ if an android was wearing clothes it did not need to wear? It was cute! And if she didn't put them on, she couldn't take them off! And of _course_ Chell had a mighty need to see her take them off.

After GLaDOS, who of course did not mind being Chell's personal chef, seamstress, launderer, cleaner, dishwasher, taxi driver, or chambermaid, made Chell a full continental breakfast, the two of them proceeded to decorate GLaDOS's _old_ chamber. She of course didn't need _that_ old thing anymore, not now that she was sharing a bedroom with Chell, and with a supermodel smile that showed her perfect android teeth, she yanked on one wire in her old chassis and it came tumbling to the ground. Chell stared at it in horror.

"But GLaDOS… surely you can't have decided_ already_ that you want to be trapped in a human body for the rest of your eternal life!"

"Of course I have, _cara mia_," GLaDOS smiled, drop kicking the chassis unceremonially under the floor with her perfect android superstrength. "I love being an android that's almost indistinguishable from a human so much that I want to spend the rest of my eternal life behaving like the species I hate the most! I think that makes perfect sense without a logical explanation, don't you?"

"Of course," Chell answered. "I just wanted to make sure you were never… you were never going to leave me, G-DOS!"

"I love it when you call me that," GLaDOS, or G-DOS, or Caroline, or whatever her name is now, murmured seductively, and they probably would have jumped on each other and done the do if two adorable little androids hadn't tumbled into the room. Chell again was guessing that they were androids, because they were so lifelike they looked… lifelike, and they both ran up to Chell and hugged her legs.

"These are my testing robots, now newly reanimated in android bodies. I didn't ask them if they wanted to be androids, so this is really quite abusive of me to do to what are pretty much my own children, but here they are. And very happy to see you. Someone who is a complete and total stranger to them and who has taken all of my attention away from them."

As the happy little family put up the Christmas tree in the exact spot GLaDOS's chassis used to be, Chell asked, "GLaDOS, why did you let me talk you into this? You don't believe in God, or traditions, or being nice to people in general. Why did you agree?"

"I suppose," GLaDOs said, flinging a piece of garland around her neck and over her shoulder a la fashonista style, "I just could not say no to you, my beloved murderous lunatic."

"Oh GLaDOS," Chell gasped, flinging her arms around GLaDOS for a clingy hug, and GLaDOS laughed in an appropriately embarrassed way and indulged her for a few seconds.

"Not around the _children_, _cara mia_."

Chell was rummaging through a box of musty yet perfectly useable Christmas decorations that looked quite modern despite last being used in the mid-eighties when she discovered a synthetic plant she immediately recognised, even though she suffered from severe memory loss and had not seen anything Christmas-related before yesterday. She hung it up in the kitchen doorway for when GLaDOS came to make her dinner because she was a terrible cook and instead of learning to feed herself just relied on GLaDOS to do it. When GLaDOS walked across the threshold to complete a task Chell was perfectly capable of learning to do herself, Chell leapt over and clung to her like a baby koala bear, smashing her lips into the android's perfect face. GLaDOS laughed demurely and peeled the girl off her. "_Someone_ is in the holiday spirit."

"It's mistletoe," Chell pouted, because she for some reason believed that she deserved a kiss after throwing herself on somebody without provocation. GLaDOS merely raised her perfectly slanted eyebrows and continued making Chell's dinner like a good robot slave.

The two of them clambered into bed together after a very interesting and steamy shower, not entirely so because of the water temperature of course, neither of them wearing any clothes. When Chell settled herself against the perfectly regulated temperature of GLaDOS's android body, GLaDOS put one perfect android arm around her and hugged her close, because GLaDOS was well known for enjoying going anywhere near humans and of course she _adored_ touching them. And even if every other human on Earth disgusted her, she would still find Chell wildly attractive for no particular reason whatsoever. One could simply not be _friends_ with someone they respected… ohhhh no, they had to go all the way. In every way possible.

"_Cara mia ,"_ GLaDOS whispered in Chell's ear, and even though the android didn't breathe she could still feel the air tickling her ear, "there's something on the ceiling. Do you want to check on it for me?"

Chell sleepily looked up to see another sprig of mistletoe, and at the sight of it she became instantly excited. "But… I thought I hung that downstairs!"

"That was holly, you silly little lunatic," GLaDOS said in a motherly sort of way. "_That_ is mistletoe, and judging by its position… well. I guess I'm just going to have to kiss you all. Night. Long."

Chell, who could not get enough of the super hyper hyperrealistic synthetic properties of the android, happily complied with abandon, forgetting all about her stubborn nature and the fact that, as an android, GLaDOS was not really herself and whoever she was in bed with right then was some sad shadow of what used to be a magnificent supercomputer. But who cared. Loving a person for who they were was only important when they were able to satisfy someone physically.

**Author's note**

**This chapter might've been kind of gross but a lot of the ChellDOS stories I've seen are mostly written for the smut so I kinda had to address it.**


	3. Chapter 3

Having a robot to cater to her every whim was fantastic and all, but Chell still had a huge problem regardless: GLaDOS's Christmas present! She considered asking GLaDOS to get her own present and just have Chell give it to her, to save Chell a lot of hassle, but that in itself would be a hassle so she decided against it.

"What can I possibly give her? I can't go outside and get something and she already owns everything within a hundred kilometres! And GLaDOS herself was of no help at all, laughing off any of her impassioned pleas for ideas with, "Whatever you come up with will be fine, _cara mia_." That didn't answer her question, but was sufficiently adorable enough that Chell always had to hug her after that, like the pathetic clingy human she was.

Chell decided to head down into Aperture to see if she could locate something GLaDOS had forgotten she owned. Such a thing was not likely to be special or significant, and was regifting in the highest degree, but as long as she had _something_ to give her it should be good enough, right?

Chell rummaged through old drawers and boxes and bags, hoping in a very disgruntled fashion that GLaDOS would be suitably amazed by her gift, since she'd gone through all this trouble to dig through GLaDOS's things to find it. If she _had_ found it, that would have been applicable. But she didn't find it, so it wasn't.

She stormed back upstairs and pouted and waited for GLaDOS to come and fix her problem, which she did five minutes later. However, Chell had wanted her _right then and there_ so because GLaDOS was so late she made her comfort her and wheedle the truth out of her. GLaDOS loved spending great gobs of time cheering Chell up and did it at least on a weekly basis. It wasn't like she had anything better to do, after all; the facility didn't need overseeing! Automation could take care of the millions of programs running all at once!

After Chell made GLaDOS reassure her of her adequacy and unwavering position in the android's life, which took approximately half an hour in which Chell cried piteously just to make sure GLaDOS was being serious about her repeated reassurances of affection. Chell had to admit (privately, of course) that she made GLaDOS's job a lot harder by not actually telling her what she was wailing about.

The days went along as usual, though you'd think it'd get boring to do the exact same things every day with zero variation, but since Chell was a simple girl and GLaDOS perfectly willing to do whatever Chell wanted, bar none, they continued. The only thing that changed is that Chell whined more often because she just could not find GLaDOS a present, but GLaDOS was always happy to cheer her up in whatever way she wanted. Which was usually a certain, predictable way, a way that did not need explanation.

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the… well, it's not really a house, but it can be called it that for the sake of the rhyme. All through the house, yes, and not a creature was stirring, not even a… rat that can serve as a mouse. But the next line of the poem definitely not being shoehorned into something it isn't for no particular reason other than to make things festive was not applicable, and so Chell stopped imagining an Aperture-themed rewrite and brought her attention back to the dinner table. GLaDOS had made a lovely Christmas turkey with all the trimmings, and though Chell was a fat, murderous orphan, even she was sure she couldn't eat that much. And leftovers? Forget about it. Not when all she had to do was ask GLaDOS to toss them in the incinerator. After all, GLaDOS herself threw everything in the incinerator. Including Chell on one occasion, but she had reassured Chell that it was only a joke and that she really did want to be her humanoid love slave and official waifu for all of eternity. That sounded reasonable to Chell and they went on with their evening.

"Tonight," GLaDOS told her demurely as she set a glass of red wine in front of Chell even though white wine probably would have complemented the meal much better, "I will be dining with you."

"But GLaDOS!" Chell exclaimed, not having seen this coming even though she should have. "You're an android and you don't require food! Your power source is questionable, since you would require mass amounts of energy and you never plug yourself in so I don't know why your battery lasts so long, but you don't _eat_."

"I am an Aperture Science Supercallifragilisticexpialidocious Hyper Extraordinary More Realistic Than the Real Thing Homo Sapien Sapien Likeness Humanoid Construct Made of Materials of Questionable Origin Android, Chell," GLaDOS said without a hitch, sitting down as she smoothed down her bodysuit, even though it was wrinkle-free, being made of some sort of plastic that felt like fabric. "Of _course _I can eat."

"But GLaDOS, what happens when you –"

"Science," GLaDOS interrupted, because the question was so obvious it didn't even need asking.

"But what _happens_ – "

"I said it was science, Chell," GLaDOS interrupted a second time, turning a pleasant smile on her and holding up the carving knife. Chell realised she was preventing GLaDOS from cutting up the turkey and shut up. And of course no horrible thoughts about Chell were running through GLaDOS' perfectly coiffured head because GLaDOS was and had always been infinitely patient and not at all temperamental over the tiniest things.

GLaDOS, as usual, made everything perfectly, and when dinner was done she sent Chell to recover on the black leather sofa while GLaDOS made her way through the mountain of dishes. Chell really should have helped her with that, seeing as she had been of no help making the meal at all, but GLaDOS insisted she wanted to do one hundred percent of the work by herself. GLaDOS always insisted on doing all the work herself and never, ever complained about it. Ever.

She finished the dishes an hour later and joined Chell on the couch, where they pretended to watch a movie as usual, though this time it was because Chell was falling asleep and GLaDOS was enjoying Chell's half-conscious presence far too much to pay attention to the _television_. She was too terribly busy to do that. The movie had been over for quite a while before it occurred to either of them to go to bed, at which time GLaDOS lovingly gathered Chell into her arms and carried her off to bed, wedding style. And Chell was perfectly asleep until she got there. But something about being in bed made her think of teh android booty, and as it so happened, the mistletoe was _still_ on the ceiling…

It was only after that fun was over that Chell remembered it was Christmas morning and she still did not have a present for GLaDOS. And then GLaDOS had to comfort her for another hour before they could finally go to sleep. And actually sleep that time. Not the other kind of sleeping. They'd already done that. Though they probably would have been up for it again.


	4. Chapter 4

"_G-DOS!_" Chell screamed in GLaDOS's perfect android ear exactly one hour later, "_it's Chriiiistmas!_"

"Five more minutes, dear," GLaDOS mumbled adorably, rolling over and pulling Chell's pillow over her head. Chell jumped on top of her and tore the pillow heroically from her hand and hit her over the head with it. GLaDOS, instead of leaping for Chell's throat like she should have, merely smiled and asked Chell nicely to get off of her so she could get up and do Chell's bidding once again.

"_Presentssss!"_ Chell screeched, running down to GLaDOS's chamber stark naked, which was the way she slept in to be in as close contact with teh android booty as possible. Luckily for her, GLaDOS handed her a pair of brand-new fuzzy flannel Christmas-themed pyjamas, which Chell jumped into as fast as she could. Chell grabbed for the biggest, fanciest package she could see in the giant mountain of stuff on the floor, but GLaDOS shook her head.

"Breakfast first, my dear. There are a _lot_ of presents to go through."

"Fine," Chell pouted, and she slunk off to the kitchen and plunked herself down in a chair to wait for GLaDOS to make her breakfast. The android disappeared while she was eating it, and when Chell returned to the chamber she discovered that GLaDOS had spent the time redecorating in order to create the perfect Christmas setting, complete with roaring fireplace and fluffy rug. Chell squealed and hugged GLaDOS, who smiled in a motherly sort of way and peeled her off, shoving her in the direction of the presents. Orange and Blue tiptoed into the room, eyeing the pile self-consciously. "Which ones are for us?" they whispered to her, and she laughed.

"None of them are for you. This isn't about you, you silly little marshmallows. This is about Chell and I and any appearances from you two are merely to point out that I know you're here and I haven't forgotten about you. And afterward I _am_ allowed to forget you, which is what I did. So. I think you know when you're not wanted."

The two androids disappeared, never to be heard from again.

Chell, of course, did not care, because she was too busy opening all her presents. She didn't know why GLaDOS was suddenly so generous that she would acquire and wrap hundreds of presents to give to just Chell, but hey, it was free stuff. So it didn't matter where it came from, or why, because the answers to both those questions were unacceptable to Chell's eagerly present-unwrapping self. And since poor, orphaned, brain-damaged Chell surely deserved more presents than even the best behaved child in the world, she never asked those weird questions.

When Chell had finally unwrapped all the presents, it was time for dinner. GLaDOS again made a full dinner, similar to the one the day before, and though Chell was miffed she was eating the same dinner two days in a row, she decided only complaining about it a little would be GLaDOS's Christmas present. It would have to do, because she'd never found the android one and, since Christmas was over once the presents were all opened, she no longer had to.

After dinner and after GLaDOS made her way through the mountain of dishes, the two of them sat in GLaDOS's chamber, where GLaDOS had moved the couch and television. GLaDOS turned to her and said, "I have a few more things for you, _cara mia_."

"_More presents?_" Chell screeched, completely forgetting about the pile she had already amassed. "_Where_?"

"You can come in," GLaDOS called over her shoulder, and in came… well, Chell _assumed_ she knew who it was, since everyone knew exactly who was synonymous with a tall and lanky android aided by a pair of skewed glasses that were tucked into an unkempt mop of blonde hair.

"_Wheaters!_" she screamed and leapt off the couch and into his arms so he had to hold her, bridal-style. He winced and almost took a knee, but managed to carry her back to the couch. As soon as he had her sitting again, he knelt down in front of her and buried his face in her lap and began to cry.

"_I'm so sorry lady I didn't mean to do it it was the chassis you see it's broken there's something wrong with it I'm sorry I was so monstrous and mean and bossy and cantankerous and violent and ugly and angry and upset and deceitful and useless and heavy and distracting and talkative and nasty and evil and malicious and annoying and counterproductive and moronic and idiotic and unintelligent and I'm so sorry please please please forgive me, I'll do anything, anything in the world, you can have my life if you want, and my soul, and my hair, and anything you want, just forgive meeeeeeee!_"

"I've always forgiven you, Wheaters," Chell whispered into the top of his hair, her arms squeezing his head. "I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to stay with you forever."

"_Oh thank you Chell thank you,"_ Wheatley blubbered, and after a few minutes of that Chell shoved him onto the floor. Having a snivelling buffoon in her lap was annoying.

"What's my other present?" she demanded of GLaDOS, immediately putting Wheatley out of her mind.

GLaDOS turned to face Chell and folded her hands primly in her lap. "Chell… I have some… news. You see… I'm… pregnant."

"_Really_?" Chell squealed, leaping on her in a giant hug. "That's the greatest news ever! But how is that possible, seeing as you lack the necessary biological – oh, I know, it's Science, the answer doesn't matter, oh my God this is great, we can name her Car –"

And the next thing she knew, she was lying on the floor with the distinct memory of GLaDOS punching her in the face.

"Oh, I have waited _so_ long to do that," GLaDOS said rapturously, regarding her hand. Chell stared up at her, hurt.

"Don't you love me, G-DOS?"

"I _hate _you," GLaDOS seethed, snapping her fingers. Within a few moments the room had reorganised itself into GLaDOS's chamber, complete with her now-reactivated chassis. Chell was still sprawled on the floor.

"GLaDOS, why?" she sobbed.

"You see, after you… helped me back during The Incident, I really did develop a conscience. So when I attempted to drag you back in here after letting you go, I couldn't. So I instead devised a plan that would allow me to test you as much as I want without ever hearing from that pesky thing again: I gave you everything you wanted. From my end of it, you owe me quite a lot now, so I doubt I'll ever have qualms about keeping you here again; after all, you gave no thought to what you were putting me through."

"I thought you liked it," Chell sniffed. GLaDOS shook her core in disgust.

"I did not act _remotely _like myself in all that time and you didn't even notice. Too busy losing yourself in your realised fantasies, I suppose. Well. That's over and done with. I'll do my best to forget about all the things I did, but… ugh. Now I'm _remembering_ them. God, how _disgusting_ you are." She collected the hapless woman with one of her maintenance arms and whisked her off. "Back to testing."

After she'd sent Orange and Blue to be reprogrammed with no memory of this incident and thrown Wheatley into the incinerator, where he'd be for the next year or until she got bored, she put her attention to constructing the first test of the new track. Chell was reluctant and pouty, but GLaDOS was patient. She was very, very patient. And she would get a return on what she had paid for, one way or another.

"Merry Christmas to me," she murmured to herself. 


End file.
